Unemployed

I don't know if I can ever check my email again or open another letter. I just can't. The emotional stress that I undertake in those 30 seconds or so of reading that email or letter just might make me burst. Or rather implode from the shear depletion of hope or self worth. I don't even know where this letter comes from. Do you know how sad that is, when I've sent out that many job applications that I don't remember where I applied last? How will they remember me, when I can barely remember them? Only I DO know them.Not them in particular but the job, I know the job. I can smell it, that technical writer job or even perhaps a manager position. Some are in the healthcare sector, the tech industry or a non-profit- but they all have the beautiful, alluring quality of offering me the security of a year-round job with a salary and benefits. I want the feeling of having a job so bad, that the idea is always on the edge of my consciousness, slipping in and out of my direct thoughts throughout the day. The warm comfort of a job that could bandage and sooth the wounds of the last....what is it now? ....7 years.....gosh. Seven years to be unemployed, what a huge chunk of my life to not be working, earning money, supporting my family. What a waste, what a goddamn waste! The whole point of the American dream, heck the whole American dream, is to work and make your life miraculously better. But that miracle can't happen if your unemployed...like me.

unemployed = no identity/useless to society- what do you do?...."nothing"
unemployed statistics- dont' count someone as unemployed after so many months.

I wonder, how long can you not work before you can be on Welfare, get food stamps, take advantage of that big ol' safety net that Uncle Sam is supposed to have for hard working folks like me? That would really help me out, to get my food for free, one less bill to pay. Just the cell phone bill, the cable bill, the internet bill, electricity, gas, water....they all pick away at me, one bill a month. My savings dwindles, bill by bill, month by month, year by year. I don't want to look at the cash left. Its not even cash anymore, nope its beyond the stage where you can measure it in solid money amounts, I measure it by the nitty gritty dollars and cents that measure the time that is left for me. There is no life without my savings acounnt and without a job. I will be beyond a nobody in society, I will be nothingness, not even a vacant body to mourn my loss of existence.